Rare Peruvian Paint Announcement
Exciting Find of Rare Peruvian-Manufactured
Artist’s Oil Paints
By: Prof. Gulley Jimson, RA, Ph.D., AFT, RCA, PADI
I have just discovered a manufacturer of rare Peruvian oil paint that offers a unique line of portrait and figure colors. These are fantastic – and fantastically expensive, but I believe they are worth the price. They have been formulated from Peruvian elements that, to my knowledge, have not appeared in any other oil paints currently available.
They mix like magic, producing flesh tones identical to those of Bouguereau without the necessity of glazes or multiple layers of color. This company also offers pigments that will precisely create the flesh tones used by Leonardo da Vinci or Renoir or any other painter you wish to emulate. Specify the painter and the company will oblige by reproducing his or her pigments to historical perfection – indistinguishable from the originals. I can imagine they will soon become every artist’s friend – and every art forger’s dream.
A shining endorsement comes from an anonymous and well-connected “duplicator” who was able to acquire some of these extraordinary paints. “I was amazed at how easily they flow from my brushes and, as if by channeling, allow me to create passages and colors that precisely mimic any master I wish to, er…honor.” There you have it. With paints like these, masterpieces can be created every time.
The manufacturing process of these new and remarkable paints is a closely guarded secret. The recipes for each of the various colors are stored in different locations throughout the Andes Mountains, and the location of the only map to them is hidden as well.
The company did hint that the many steps involved in creating these miracle pigments include dissolving rare earth minerals in small amounts of toxic waste. In addition, the recipe includes finely ground semi-precious stones, and various essential oils that are extruded from endangered plant species found around the Amazon region and other parts of South America – sites known only to the owner of the company and his hedge-fund manager.
To demonstrate the remarkable abilities of these rare paints, we managed to snag an unsuspecting passerby, who just happened to be an amateur artist, and asked this person – who wishes to remain anonymous – to replicate a portion of the famous “Wave” painting by Bouguereau. As you can see from the example above, the results were astonishing.
For seekers of personal and spiritual growth, opportunities abound for those intrepid artists who are willing and able to make the long and arduous pilgrimage to such a special, soul-freeing environment, which is equaled only by the ancient leach fields of Machu Picchu. And, due to the hazardous conditions in which certain of the pigments are laboriously mined and brought to the surface, there are often positions open to help make these rare and unique paints available to the art world. Experience is not necessary, just an artistic zeal; a thirst to perform the “karma yoga” of self-sacrifice by working long hours for room and occasional meals; and a willingness to not ask too many questions.
No real artist paints wearing gloves. ~ Bill Jerdon
According to the manufacturer, the inclusion of the aforementioned elements contained in these incredible paints, as well as the arduous collection and manufacturing process, more than justifies their exorbitant cost. Unfortunately, because of the rarity of the pigments and the secret process involved, the paints are not permitted to leave Peru. Finished paintings with a “secure” provenance, however, can be exported at will.
I wish you all Happy Painting!
It was suggested that I say that no one here at Art Twerks owns any stock in this company…at least not as of the time of this posting. Therefore, I can be completely unbiased and free to unequivocally endorse this great product as an amazing new resource for those artists who want to go beyond their normal limited scope of materials. And for the time being, due to an international trade agreement, and the advice of my own hedge-fund manager, I am not at liberty to disclose the product company name nor the exact whereabouts of the manufacturing plant.